Living with a psychopath. A danger that is not always easy to detect.

By: Luis Pellegrini

Never before have so many articles about psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists been circulating on the internet and in forums discussing psychology and behavior. Some of this material presents a rather dubious scientific rigor, but it does point to a curious question: Why are people becoming increasingly interested in these dense topics that were previously confined to criminal justice professionals or curious onlookers?

To answer the question, the Portuguese clinical psychologist Luís Gonçalves (*) replies that “perhaps because, according to all indications, there is an increase in these pathologies in our society. Several psychotherapists have begun to call these people 'socialized psychopaths', warning that they constitute a serious mental and physical health problem. A problem that affects not only the patients themselves, but also the people they live with. Many toxic people do not show it directly and appear to be people of unquestionable human, moral and ethical principles. Therefore, they are difficult to identify. In addition, we live in a world where everything happens quickly.”

The danger is real. We're not imagining things.

Sometimes, too fast. And, in this frantic pace, we may not have time to nurture relationships at work and in our personal lives. We live on autopilot, without time to feel, until one day we begin to realize that something is wrong with us, that someone wants to harm us, but we may also think that we are just imagining things. That it's just tiredness or a mere coincidence.

Without realizing it, we can be vulnerable, experiencing feelings of low self-worth, loss of vitality and physical immunity, guilt, inadequacy, and incompetence. This state can be caused by the presence of a toxic person.

When attempting to address this problem, the first step is to clearly define what psychopathy is and the fundamental differences between psychopathy and psychosis. Many believe that a psychopath is a psychotic individual, but the two are different. Psychosis is a mental dystonia, that is, an abnormal state of psychic functioning. The central aspect of psychosis is the loss of contact with reality, which can occur at different levels and degrees. Psychotics, when not in crisis, care for their own well-being and the well-being of those dear to them, avoid self-harm, have sexual interest, and establish contact with real people. All of this indicates the capacity for relating to the real world. Psychosis proper arises from the point at which the patient begins to relate to people, things, and situations that do not exist in our world. For example, sadness and joy resemble depression and mania, difficulty remembering or learning are related to dementia and mental retardation, and fear and anxiety in everyday situations are related to phobic or anxiety disorders. Similarly, other mental disorders can be imagined based on personal experiences.

Psychopathy – now more commonly called sociopathy or psychopathic personality – is not a mental illness, as individuals do not exhibit any symptoms of such a condition.

These are the reasons why, back in the 60s, the American movement known as anti-psychiatry recommended that psychopaths be excluded from psychiatric classifications. At the time, it was argued that psychopaths' alterations were of a moral and ethical nature, and that ethical problems required ethical solutions (seclusion, incarceration, etc.) rather than medical ones. Today, there is broad consensus among mental health professionals that sociopathy, unfortunately, is untreatable. Unlike psychosis, which is treated with appropriate medication and psychotherapy tailored to each case.

Sociopathy is a character flaw, not a disease.

So, if sociopathy is much more a character flaw and a personality structure issue, how should you proceed if you discover that someone very close to you, perhaps someone who enjoys your intimate company, is a sociopath?

The first thing is to understand the main traits that define such a person. And this clear definition is very necessary for those who live with a sociopath and suffer the effects of their behavior, because the person living with them, as a rule, tends to deny the reality of the facts that, despite this, torment their life.

Luís Gonçalves compiled a list of factors that allow for the clear detection of a sociopathic personality. Gonçalves begins by saying that the combination of many behavioral traits shapes the profile of a toxic person who is potentially negative for us and for the people we care about:

They put the person on a pedestal and then make them feel like the worst person in the world. They idealize her, make her feel special, unique, attractive, and the best, as if she were their best friend or companion, often in public. Then, after getting to know her and fulfilling her likes, weaknesses, and needs, they devalue her and make her feel a constant sense of lack. As if the person were becoming more and more of a disappointment to them, and nothing that person does to confirm the previous, positive impression ever satisfies them.

They project their own characteristics onto the other person. If they are not punctual, they say it's you who can't be punctual. If they are unethical (and most toxic profiles are not, in fact), they accuse you of being someone who breaks ethics. If they don't show emotions (some have a cerebral inability to do so, but fake emotions just to get what they want from others), they say you are the insensitive one. Therefore, sociopaths exhibit a revolting and disconcerting hypocrisy.

They manipulate through subliminal comparison. When they are in a romantic relationship with someone, they often talk about the good things about their ex-partner or a new person they've met. This will make you feel like you're competing with them and will make you do your best to please your partner or colleague. Very quickly, your security will begin to depend on the attention and validation of the toxic person.

They tend to isolate the person they are in a relationship with. Sociopaths often do this through rumors that serve the purpose of alienating you and creating conflict with people who actually care about you and could help and alert you to what is happening to you. They can also lead you to abandon your hobbies, your interests, your ways of taking care of yourself, always doing so in a more or less subtle way.

- They vehemently deny everything they do wrong. When confronted with their negative behaviors, they tend to deny them and blame others, and the preferred target is almost always their partner. They are incapable of learning from their own mistakes and show no intention of improving their conduct. Typically, such attitudes exacerbate the emotions of those around them, leading them to accuse others of being crazy or ill. Subsequently, they seek to undermine the credibility of others in the eyes of family and colleagues. They only take responsibility when they feel cornered, and always do so with the perspective of gaining some advantage from it.

- They jump from victim to victim - Sociopaths live impulsively and have great difficulty being still and enjoying leisure time. Therefore, they often jump from victim to victim, especially when the victim is already completely vulnerable, when the victim becomes a difficult obstacle, or when someone has noticed them and unmasked them. They tend to feel bored, and for them, life is a game with rules they create themselves. They tend to want others to live according to these rules, or, in popular terms, "to dance to their tune."

- They have a need to control - They can exhibit intense surveillance of everything around them, seeking to gather as much information as possible. This is why social media and the internet are frequented by this type of predator. They seek informants and followers – preferably worshippers – who carry out their orders and provide them with the data they need, and this can happen both within the family and at work. They tend to make people work for them. This type of manipulation is so effective that it can contribute to the emergence of secondary psychopaths, very common in religious sects and similar organizations.

- They lie frequently - They like to create a shiny facade around themselves, allowing them to stalk, abuse, and control. In more detail, many psychopaths show the world that they are devoted parents and that they help everyone in need. There's a sinister detail here. Male psychopaths tend to exhibit paternal characteristics (protection, power, confidence, and strength), and women show more maternal characteristics, namely care, concern, support, and understanding. But behind all this, they do precisely the opposite. And because the lies are so numerous, they can create their own difficulties when they become entangled in them all.

- They lack empathy – Sociopaths are unable to empathize with others and feel what they feel. In fact, their emotional capacity is extremely limited, and they can only oscillate between states linked to anger, envy, and victimhood. Following this pattern, they stop at nothing to achieve their goals, which are, more often than not, financial power, control (power), and social and media visibility.

How to identify a psychopath

Sociopaths confuse us. That is, one part of us begins to think that this person is harming us, but another part thinks that they shouldn't be so negative and that we might be exaggerating our assessment. This happens because their behavior isn't entirely bad. It's good and bad alternately, and it changes according to the people and contexts they are in. This apparent unpredictability leads the victim to obsessively search for the reason for these behaviors and, later, to try to prove that their behavior is the appropriate one. Sometimes, without succeeding and without people realizing the type of abuse they are suffering, increasing their sense of helplessness and loneliness.

They play the victim – Sociopaths They create rumors, intrigues, conflicts, and attack those who oppose them or who have moral and human principles. Immediately afterward, they adopt a posture of fragility that automatically activates our humanity and makes us feel pity. As soon as they regain control, they return to attacking without mercy.

They love to provoke emotions in others. That's what they live for, the emotions they are incapable of feeling, and that's how they control the people around them. If the contact is frequent, we become exhausted, empty, and cease to feel pleasure in the good things in life. In more serious cases, we may even question our own existence.

Alternating affection with aggression - This is one of the typical behaviors of socialized psychopaths. The aggression is verbal but can escalate to physical. The toxic person makes the other feel bad but acts as if they are, at the same time, the solution.

How to deal with a psychopath

Unfortunately, there is very little that can be done. Since sociopathy is currently considered an untreatable disorder, the best course of action is to move on with our lives, accept ourselves unconditionally, enjoy life, our friends, family, and colleagues, and not look back. Well-being also results from letting go of what we cannot change and those who do not change. If you are a victim of a sociopath and cannot cope with the problem alone, ask for help; don't be afraid.

(*) Luis Goncalves He is a Portuguese clinical psychologist and psychotherapist at the Psinove clinic, which specializes in psychology, psychotherapy, neuropsychology, clinical supervision, vocational guidance, and business training in Portugal.