The new 'The Three Musketeers' trivializes true cinema.

Okay, I admit with a certain cynicism that I went to see the new adaptation of The Three Musketeers only to praise the book and the classic film versions of Alexandre Dumas' story because the most recent product, the one currently showing in cinemas worldwide, reveals itself to be utter nonsense just from the trailer. Even so, I gave the film a chance and went there to waste R$18, the price of a Chilean wine. And why? Well, because, following the epidemic currently plaguing the film industry, it's a 3D product, which doesn't mean anything except for our wallets, right?

Directed by Paul WS Anderson (Resident Evil, The Guest of Evil), the film is an insult to the viewer's intelligence. But only the smartest viewers, those who don't like being fooled. And, above all, those who, like me, have read the book. So, if you go to the cinema hoping to see a good swashbuckling film or palace intrigue, save your money for McDonald's or a beer with friends. Otherwise, you'll waste money, time, and worst of all, your patience.

A serious 19th-century writer, Alexandre Dumas published the classic serial novel in 1844, portraying the society of his time in a powerful and historically rich way. The book is dense, full of subplots and intense, ambiguous characters, a literary work of unparalleled weight and importance. Values ​​that the new version completely discarded. To begin with, the original plot was vilified in favor of ridiculous visual and digital effects. Could someone explain to me what on earth those nautical airships are? Or rather, where did they come from? Yes, because the book doesn't have anything similar and, please, don't talk to me about poetic license. Everything is so artificial that it looks like a "cinemascope" version of the inanimate Lego figures.

Aside from that, there's this virtual 3D nonsense that, with each film, brings unpleasant surprises. In the case of The Three Musketeers, for example, the rapiers appear on screen almost like "digital phalluses," and the actors are carbon copies of reality itself. In fact, no performance in this film escapes criticism. Everyone is excessively caricatured, affected, and weak. The actress who plays the cunning villain Milady looks like a Barbie doll, and star Orlando Bloom delivers his worst performance in cinema here.

Of course, the best story was told by the French writer himself, Alexandre Dumas, in the book. But if you want to see a good film adaptation of the serial novel, there's the 1949 Hollywood film, with a hammy Gene Kelly as D'Artagnan, and also an obscure 1973 version directed by Richard Lester. You know Richard Lester; he's the guy who immortalized the Beatles on film, marking the era of musical cinema, with A Hard Day's Night. Oh, yes, and the actor who played the Mephistophelean Richelieu was none other than Charlton Heston, the star of the great epics of the 50s.

The new version of The Three Musketeers makes cinema seem less like cinema. It is, by far, one of the worst films I've ever seen. The worst of the Steve Jobs era. I learned a great lesson: I'm never watching 3D movies in theaters again.