Agamenon removes "çarru" from the Enem essay.

247 - Essays that received top marks on the ENEM exam, riddled with grammatical errors, inspired a parody in the column of the character Agamenon Mendes Pedreira; read below:

ENEM Essay - Agamemnon

Despite being illiterate from birth, my greatest dream has always been to be able to enter a university through the quota system. And that's why I'm going to tell you, my seventeen and a half readers (don't forget the dwarf), how I managed to get a job at O ​​Globo even without knowing how to read. I only know how to write.

Back then, it wasn't like it is today, where you needed a badge to get into the O Globo newsroom. You just showed up, gave some money to the doorman, and entered (in a good way, of course) the newspaper office. If you gave a little more money, you could even get close to some of the female journalists, but that's another story...

As soon as I arrived at the newsroom of the country's largest newspaper, I ran into Nerson Rodrigues who, without hesitation, immediately uttered one of his famous phrases: "The only solitary person from Minas Gerais is masturbation...". I didn't quite understand what the great suburban writer meant by that, but I laughed anyway so as not to be seen as ignorant. I then became Nerson Rodrigues' secretary and was responsible for preparing his porridge and writing all his columns for the newspaper. In a short time, I also started writing Ibrahim Sued's column, Roberto Campos' column, and Dom Eugenio Salles' column. Impressed by my intelligence and culture, the newspaper editor and my personal friend Evandro Carlos de Andrade promoted me and, due to my criminal tendencies, sent me to the police blotter.

The political page was like the political page today, which only wants to mention no congressmen or senators. But since this essay is getting too long and boring, I'll take the opportunity to give you a recipe for instant noodles, that Japanese noodle that goes in hard and comes out soft and dripping. You take a pot and put two cups of water to boil. When it's boiling (the water, not the cups), put the noodles in, but pay attention, remove the plastic wrap first. Otherwise, it'll be bad. That is to say, instant noodles are bad no matter what. Then just put the powder from the packet in, but be careful not to burn the packet. Then just call a friend because instant noodles are eaten with two chopsticks.

FIGURE OF THE WEEK

Pastor Marcos Feliciano – The pastor from the PSC (Party of Constitutional Debauchery) is the current president of the Human Rights Committee and is being persecuted simply because he is homophobic, racist, and intolerant of minorities. Because of the protests, Pastor Feliciano has not been able to openly admit his position to this day, even though he is against homosexuality between people of the same sex. Ambitious and entrepreneurial, Pastor Marcos Feliciano created his own church, the Seventh-Digit Adventist Church, whose motto is "Temple is money!". Despite his archaic, prudish, and conservative positions, the pastor is a modern man connected to cutting-edge technology and was the first evangelist to accept tithe payments by credit card, but requires the PIN to be provided first. In his sermons, the controversial religious leader often tells his followers: "Tie with whom you walk, and I will tell you who you are." This pastor is the wrong man in the wrong place. How can they put a guy like that in charge of the Human Rights Commission if he's neither righteous nor humane?

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According to an investigation by the Federal Police, Agamenon Mendes Pedreira cheated off Lula's ENEM exam. 

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Agamenon Mendes Pedreira is functionally illiterate, that is to say, an illiterate employee of O Globo.