Where is "that boy who was going to change the world"?

My dreams
They were all sold.
So cheap I can't believe it.
Oh, I can't believe it!

That boy was going to change the world.
Change the world
Attends now
The parties of the Grand Monde

(Ideology – Cazuza)

In January I turned fifty-nine, and I got excited and thought about preparing a party for next January. After all, I will officially pass from maturity to senility, and I will even be entitled to a SETRANSP card to park in a senior citizen's parking space, in addition to other social rights, no less significant, the result of a society that once desired to be supportive, generous, and not just efficient.

I started making a guest list. 

I listed people I love, in whose company I find joy, and whose opinions—even the differing ones—bother me but enrich me; I saw in the possibility of a “sixtieth birthday party"The opportunity to be with those whom life has distanced me from, but whose affection remains intact. I even reserved the Fireplace Room at the Equestrian Center, but I cancelled it because I realized there is much more to it."inventory"and "repair" more to celebrate than to celebrate.

I started thinking about my dreams and desires from adolescence and youth: finding lasting love, sex, material and emotional security, companionship, success, fame, prestige – human ambitions, so human. 

I also realized that - like the “manx"—I started out defeated. I can't sing or dance; I can't tell jokes; I don't have a 'group of friends'; I never made it to the national team and I wasn't good at soccer; I didn't participate in fantastic expeditions to the icy continent; I didn't climb Everest or Fitz Roy, I'm not a mountaineer or climber; I never flew in a hot air balloon in Cappadocia, or anywhere else; I didn't become mayor, governor, or president; I didn't do anything great, not even what I dreamed of, and I didn't allow myself to dream beyond my own mediocrity."

And what's worse, my dreams, if not all sold at a paltry price, were mostly not realized. 

However, desires, so necessary for our existence, often go too far. Desires drive us, but when they dominate us, they begin to direct our lives. Many times I have allowed myself to be dominated, or desired to be dominated by excess. 

I believe that the yearning for material and emotional security, and for an important position in society, in a way, tyrannized me and distorted what were legitimate dreams and desires.

I will not be lenient, nor will I justify my many mistakes; after all, no human being, however good they may be, is free from error. 

Therefore, instead of a party, which could mask a necessary and urgent reflection on my journey, I will try to reconcile with “that boy who was going to save the world", carrying out a sort of moral inventory."

For someone as vain as I am, this exercise represents an enormous effort, both in recognizing mistakes and in accepting that they, whether intentionally or unintentionally, harmed other people.

I believe that by putting my mistakes on the table, under the light, I can begin to correct them. My father taught me about the need, at some point, to "meticulous and fearless moral inventory".

This is the challenge I set for myself on this path at sixty years old.

At that point I thought: “Where do I even begin? Well, I've come up with a script that involves the seven deadly sins: pride, greed, lust, wrath, gluttony, envy, and sloth. I started with "pride"Therefore, he is the main instigator of most human difficulties, the greatest obstacle to true progress."

I will talk about each of them throughout the year.

An interesting detail: I found the following sentence in my father's notes:When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and social standing becomes the sole objective of our lives, then pride enters the scene to justify our excesses."The phrase is in quotation marks; I presume he copied it from some book. He bequeathed me many notebooks with notes, reflections, and, to some extent, advice."

I've always been proud, maybe I used pride as a kind of shield, after all I was always afraid of failing and of living experiences for which I wasn't prepared, but since I chose the paths, there was always the possibility of saying "no" and making another choice.

Fear breeds mistakes – and the more pride, the more mistakes; the more mistakes, the greater the possibility of hurting and harming people around us. At fifty-nine years old, there is no longer room for objection to my mistakes and flaws, nor to the effects they have caused and continue to cause.  

I shared this goal of mine with my friend Carlinhos, and he said that I am “dramatic"I disagree with him. I believe that at some point everyone has to do this." moral inventoryUltimately, as time goes by, we become prisoners of our guilt, and I wish to free myself from it. Today I know that my life, as Carlos Drummond wrote, is full of imperfections, but I will not do as he suggested: "...if I were a critic, I would point out many flaws." [in the work]I'm not going to point fingers. I'll leave that to others. My work is public."I'm going to think about the path, about the choices, apologize, and repair what is possible. And there's an important aspect to consider: it's not about blaming myself for all the problems in my life; that could be a journey into despair, but it's not about that. It's about recovering the dreams that were sold cheaply along the way and, who knows, reconciling with..." "that boy who was going to change the world"".

These are the reflections.