The police station report

Federal Police Station, in Brasília. Jair, Flávio, Carlos, Eduardo and Renan are in the waiting room, before giving their statements to the chief of police.

Jair (complaining): Two hours of waiting! Can you believe it? Couldn't they have brought me a roll with condensed milk?

Flávio (annoyed): We're trying to defend ourselves and you're going on about this condensed milk nonsense. Obsession!

Jair (retorts): You respect me, huh? I spent four years saving your skin, kid.

Flávio: And that's what happened. We're here with the men.

Jair: And is it my fault, by any chance? 

Flávio (ironically): I'll pass the word to Pitbull…

Carlos (sarcastically): Oh, here comes some nonsense from Rachadinho.

Flávio: Before making jokes, explain why we're in this mess. Come on, I want to see.

Jair (interrupting): Let me explain. Pitbull accidentally pressed the wrong buttons online. His bots, instead of helping my candidacy, worked against me. They started stealing my votes in the electronic voting machines. Just like those video game creatures, what are they called, Renan?

Renan: Pac-Man.

Jair: I told you it was supposed to be paper ballots. This is what happened.

Eduardo (protesting): This story again! What good is crying over spilled milk?

Jair (groaning): Man, don't mention milk, it reminds me of sweetened condensed milk. Mmmmmm…

Eduardo: Sorry, Dad. I just don't think dwelling on the past will help. Did you call Trump?

Jair: How do I call? The police chief took my cell phone. Before coming here, I sent a letter. But with this whole privatizing the post office thing, it won't arrive for another two months.

Eduardo: And what about the terribly evangelical minister? Wouldn't he intervene to prevent this interrogation from happening?

Carlos (enigmatically): You didn't know, did you?

Eduardo: What?

Carlos: He became an atheist after we were intimidated into believing he was a lawyer.

Eduardo: Damn, so only Kássio is left.

Carlos: After the defeat, this one can't be counted anymore either. 

Eduardo (skeptical): Seriously?

Carlos: He became a referee in the second division of the Piauí state football championship. 

Flávio: I know things are complicated, but there must be a way, it's impossible otherwise.

Renan: What if they offer a plea bargain, Dad?

Jair (nervous): Shut up, Renan! Don't remind me of Lava Jato!

Renan: Just an idea.

Jair: That's a crazy idea. If one of us opens our mouth here, the Centrão will turn into a backwater town square bandstand.

Eduardo: If I get a cell phone, I'm going to send an email to the UN about political persecution.

Jair: The UN? Forget it. I'm more burned there than a forest in Salles' hands.

Carlos: I told you not to let that crazy chancellor write the speech. 

The waiting room door opens. Hélio Negão enters.

Jair (surprised): Hey, what did you come here for?

Hélio (confused): I didn't quite understand, but it looks like they're going to have a face-to-face confrontation between me and you.

Jair (confused): What confrontation, young man?

Hélio: They said I have the key to the secret budget.

Jair (indignant): And does the secret budget have a key?

Renan: If I had the key, you'd be the one with it, right, Dad?

Jair: Shut up, Renan! Go play your shooting video game, this is serious business, man!

Flávio (to Hélio): Any more news from the Presidential Palace?

Hélio: The usual. The press is saying that Cavalão was milking the government dry.

Jair (groaning): Man, don't mention milk, it reminds me of sweetened condensed milk. Mmmmmm…