Funny guy

How did it go? I came out boneless. Tell me. Close the door and don't hide anything from me.

I went in and he didn't even let me sit down. "What the hell is this?" he said, holding the spreadsheet. I explained that those were the numbers. That we won't have any profits to distribute in 2019. He went crazy.

Predictable. What did he say? The usual. That he's surrounded by incompetents, that the report didn't make sense.

I tried to explain that the clients disappeared, that sales plummeted, that nobody has any money, that everyone is cutting out the non-essentials. He was fuming. Non-essentials, funny, are our products now non-essential? Just a figure of speech. Change the marketing team, fire the advertising agency, they're all in their comfort zone and charge a small fortune for not delivering results.

And you? I argued that there is no market as a consequence of the coup. I thought he was going to attack me. Impeachment, Dilma fell because she lost the political conditions to govern, everyone against her, he shouted. I agreed, head down, mortified, me and my mouth. These numbers are wrong, you don't understand anything. It even seems like you're rooting against us.

I knew he would react badly, so what? He came with that know-it-all arrogance, with that "sit down and I'll explain it to you" attitude. What a nuisance. He said they've already done the labor reform, that privatizations are coming now, that the market is optimistic, that they'll reduce the public deficit with the pension reform, that the macroeconomic fundamentals are correct, that they arrested Lula, and that, logically, blah blah blah, profits have to increase.

I explained that the numbers don't lie. That the company's profitability doesn't depend, in the short term, on fundamentals. He lost his patience and sent you a message: If your boss doesn't know how to do it, I'll bring in another CEO to run the business.

You old scoundrel. I've already fired half the people, hired peanuts to replace the bare minimum, cut the coffee in the hallway. Big deal, savings of 800 reais a year. Stop. Costs are like fingernails, you have to trim them constantly. Stop with this self-help manual drivel for mediocre managers. Can I finish? I outsourced what I could, forced the lawyers and accountants to reclassify the contingencies, put myself and them on the line... You put mine too. Don't be weak. What else?

He talked about Ford. About the layoffs. And he asked my opinion. I'm not crazy. I just said, "Yeah, right." He didn't mince words. He said that's exactly right, they have to lay people off, that first they have to save the company, all that stuff of his. He mentioned that we've already made some cuts? Of course, obviously. He ordered more cuts.

The jerk didn't understand that they destroyed the market under Temer? Go and explain it to him. He said you're only worried about your bonuses. That's a huge injustice, isn't it? Don't even joke about it.

Disgraceful. There's nothing more that can be done. With no money circulating, everyone is doing their homework, firing the highest earners, hiring only what's necessary, and at the minimum wage. Few companies will make a profit this year. The banks. There are no customers for non-essential products. Ours were lower-middle-class people, with everyone working from home there was some left over to spend. And now, with this unemployment, with this compression of the wage bill, who's going to buy what we sell? Go ahead and tell him that. Funny girl.

What if we lied to the Old Man? Are you crazy? The numbers don't lie. That's what I said. To manipulate the predictions, to tell him what he wants to hear. It won't work. Just repeat what Sardemberg and Mírian Leitão said. The old man isn't stupid, he knows it's all nonsense. But he wants to believe it. Irresponsibility.

Isn't there any way to come up with a nice number on the spreadsheet to calm the beast? How? Everyone is selling less, gas stations are selling fuel and that's about it, convenience stores are empty. Pharmacies are only managing to sell medicine, bakeries only bread, stores are empty, they're not restocking. Most businesses' profits were in peripheral items. Most companies won't have accounting profits to distribute to shareholders. Making a gun gesture with your hand, will that help? This isn't a time for irony. If they don't make profits, they'll come after us. Yes. We are the visible hand of the market. We gave them profits for almost ten years. Nothing more than our obligation.

Is there something we're missing? If we hired an external consultant, we'd save time. What do those know-it-alls know that we don't? You heard the bank manager. Foreign capital left the stock market, more than 12 billion, and it won't be returning anytime soon. They're afraid of weak institutions, of this crazy judiciary. When the financial statements come out, it'll be chaos. The stock market will plummet. The dollar will rise. They'll blame it on Dilma's disastrous economic policies. Let's export! Who will buy these trinkets we manufacture? Tell that to the big boss. You're being very funny today.

Did you tell me the bank is going to reduce our secured account? And then I'm the one who's funny.

Next year it will get better. It has to get better. It's not possible otherwise. They'll privatize, invest in infrastructure. The economy will grow. It sounds like the old story. The invisible hand paying miserable salaries in all sectors, the customers won't come back. They'll only buy the bare minimum, cut out the superfluous, but we have to be creative. He loves that word, go on. It will get better. That's not what you told the team. I'll say I was misinterpreted, nobody recorded it. Consumers will come back. They're already cutting everything, cable TV, health insurance, private school for their children, even Sunday pizza. They won't have money to spend on products and services like ours. Theirs. I don't know. In Lula's time... Don't even try, Lula is in jail, you idiot. You're bitter today, it was just a joke. A provocation.

It's impossible. I have to take action. I just can't cut Júnior and Paty's salaries. No way, those loudmouths from the old man are our allies. They started as interns, they've earned their merit, they're fighters, and they're already on the board. Sarcasm doesn't go down well in these times of frayed nerves.

You're fired. What do you mean, are you kidding me? Unfortunately, no. I need to bring a head on a platter to the partners' meeting. It'll be yours, be professional. I'll arrange for a coach and a headhunter to help you find a job. Earning half, you can't do this to me, you know that dead weight at home only gets odd jobs as a consultant. That's the market. Funny guy. You know I have car and house payments. You're not going to expose me like this, blame me, I don't deserve it. I already did it. Better for you, when they call asking for information I'll give you the best references. I'll help you. Otherwise, we'll both be out on the street. And at the same time. Let's be pragmatic. This business, with the irrational ideology of the old man and his partners, is going down the drain. There's no way out. It's just a matter of time. They'll have to resort to banks, they'll stop paying taxes. And don't even think about going to the union. I'm blonde but I'm not stupid. Look at the manual, without prejudice, young lady.

Swallow that cry, that's one of the reasons I don't like working with women. Capitalism, my dear. Those are the rules of the game. Before you leave, ask Dona Marta to call the accountant and that talkative consultant friend of Júnior's. I had a brilliant idea. I need them.