Augusto's pizzeria

By Lygia Jobim

Hired to be the General Pizzaiolo of the Republic in September 2019, Augusto's fame in the oven has been growing every day. His fame is already international.

He prepares his pizzas with care, always accurately calculating impunity, an ingredient that has long been indispensable at Pizzaria Geral de República, a place affectionately known as PGR. 

The varied flavors have earned him the favor of the owner who, in 2021, renewed his contract to the delight of all who eat there.

The house specialty is the Summary Filing, but depending on the pizzaiolo's mood, it can be served without this last ingredient. 

When the order queue is too long, and Augusto doesn't want to upset the public, it's always possible to simplify service by handing out slices of Preliminary Investigative Procedure. It's equivalent to a white pizza. 

It's a good one. privateHe pays his aides well. In December 2021, he released approximately 80 million reais to pay benefits to his cronies. The biggest beneficiary was José Robalinho Cavalcanti who, despite having a salary of R$35.4, received R$446. Something similar to the daughters of Colonel Ustra, who, having been granted a promotion, received similar benefits. post-mortem Upon reaching the position of Marshal, he guaranteed his children a significant increase in their pensions. In both cases, a substantial increase, but justifiable. Ustra, for having been an expert torturer, which made him an idol of the unspeakable Bolsonaro, and Robalinho for running the Brasília branch of the pizzeria.

Since not everyone can afford to eat at his counter, poor Augusto is a victim of malicious gossip. Right now, he's being accused by an NGO, Transparency International, which produces the Corruption Perceptions Index, the main indicator of corruption in the world, of being lenient with the cases brought to his attention. They're saying he does nothing but make pizzas! But isn't that what the General Pizzeria of the Republic is for? The 2021 report also points to the relationship between corruption and human rights. It would be up to pizzerias to exercise control over the matter, but since the top three – Denmark, Finland, and New Zealand – scored 88 and Brazil only 38, they want to blame our pizza maker. 

In a fit of pride, he explained that there is no systematic alignment between the Presidential Pizzaiolo and the occupant of the Planalto Palace.

By linking corruption to human rights, it must be because of the lack of this alignment that nothing concrete has been done regarding the allegations contained in the COVID Parliamentary Inquiry Commission report. 

But be careful. Anyone who works with ovens will inevitably get burned.